I have recently found myself in a long distance relationship. As much as I researched and tried to prepare myself, the reality of the situation didn’t quite sink in until I reached the four week mark. I am not going to see him for a few months, we are not going to hang out on weekends, and we aren’t going to have actual verbal conversations for more than a few hours per week.
The only strategy I have used to navigate this immense change is by writing about it and detailing my feelings on certain days. Reading back over it I realize my mind is a constant see-saw between contentedness knowing that you are out there somewhere and you care, and being worried about your new life and whether I will still be necessary.
There are days when I am content and independent and my thoughts go into scenario mode picturing what it will be like when we see each other again, those are pleasant thoughts. There are moments when I am reading or sitting on a train and suddenly something will trigger my mind to think back to a certain time and I get lost in memories.
Then there are moments where I wonder if I really can hack this and what if you move on and we don’t have anything in common anymore, or I check my phone a lot waiting for a message and feel like crying for no reason. As much as the advice I read on the internet told me that moping, waiting for messages and isolation is not a good idea, sometimes you can’t help it.
In the first couple of weeks I sort of thought yeah I can handle this, I have my own interests and now I have more time for them, but as the weeks go by I’m reminded why so many people cannot handle this. It isn’t always easy and I think maybe I allowed myself to get too attached while you were here and in turn forgot about myself. A lot of the time I don’t really know what to do with myself, when someone that you hung out with a lot suddenly is no longer there it leaves a real hole in your activities, time that was filled with them is now filled with nothing, it’s almost like you need a replacement but I am so uninspired sometimes to even want to find something else to do.
Sometimes I wonder if I need you more than you need me, which is a horrid thing to think. In a way I do kind of feel like I have lost a part of me and I think when we do meet up again that part is not going to come back straight away. I need to not think like that but it’s hard when this relationship is all I can seem to focus on. I wish I had some better creative outlet than just word vomiting all my thoughts out onto the page but that’s all I can think to do at this point.
I can’t help but feel slightly jealous when I hear about you making friends and filling your time with travel and new experiences. I knew that was going to happen though, your extroverted personality is what drew me to you in the first place. Being an introvert it just makes me uneasy sometimes, but I know that if you were still here and we were still together I would not be panicking right now.
I can’t get the idea out of my head that you have a new life now and it makes me wonder if you really need me in it. When you are so outgoing and able to adapt and find new people quickly, what does that make me? Someone who is never there and only on an electronic device, out of sight out of mind. For me it isn’t like that, you are always on my mind but I do wonder how often I am on yours. It is not a good idea to dwell on such thoughts and I know I need to remain positive or I will be doomed to fail, but that can be difficult some days.
I just hope I haven’t set myself up for grave disappointment. However for all I know you could get sick of the hectic city and at the end of the year and even look forward to coming back. I know ultimately you plan on working in different countries again but you might not find another role right away, so we may have some time here again. I don’t really know and it’s the uncertainty of wondering if you will come back that really gets to me.